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What to expect when you are expecting

What to expect when you are expecting

Okay…I’m not expecting… The big belly you may see is merely fat… But Brook is, so in a way WE are because, let’s face it, the effects of pregnancy do affect us both…

And now is where all the feminazis on call will want to bite my head off but , in some ways, pregnancy CAN AND WILL affect the male of the relationship equally, if not more than it will affect the female. Seriously… Hear me out as I pledge my case.

When I told Brook I was writing this post she told me straight away: “Are you gonna write about how mean I’ve been with you?” That actually made me laugh out loud… So let’s start with that shall we?

Mood swings

There is an old say that could describe this first item to the T!

My grandma used to look at me in disbelief sometimes and say “you are always 8 or 80!”… Well… This is very much the case here. So that would be the first thing to expect when your other half is expecting: Her disposition will always be sunny, or dark and cloudy (and by dark and cloudy here I mean thunder-storms with hurricanes and tsunamis and stuff… And Don’t you worry if you have no idea what you did wrong… you WILL be in the wrong.

I’ve lost the count already of how many times one word (or breathing a little louder) has landed me in trouble so far… Though I gotta say, to her credit, every time Brook storms in one she comes back for a cuddle and apologizes for whatever she may have done while hormones took over.

So here is the expert advise if you value your life: ALWAYS ASSUME YOU ARE IN THE WRONG

Cooing and Melting

I’ve already had 3 kids before and, even though I was allowed to follow only 2 of the pregnancies from up close, nothing could prepare me for the waves of feelings I get every time I get to see bean during ultrasound sessions or when I can feel/see him kicking Brook’s tummy.

Doesn’t matter how much I have tried, there is always a little tear wanting to come out of the corner of your eye… And an immense feeling of happiness that comes with it!

I’m tellin’ ya… this boy is going to be a heck of a footballer… Or kickboxer… He can pack a punch!

Boobs

Now that’s a bit where the there is good that comes with some bad in it and you just GOTTA take e whole and make the most out of it.

The other day I was laying in bed and caught Brook looking at the mirror. Curious I asked her what she was looking at so much. Her answer:

I’ve got an amazing rack!

And I kid you not… They might have doubled in size since expecting and it has given her the most distracting cleavage!

Unfortunately that ones sorta works on the “you can look but you can’t touch” basis most times… That’s it… If I don’t want my head bit ten off or to be squirted with milk… Yes… You read it right… I DID GO THERE!

Oh… yeah… This is a limited time offer too… since once that baby pops out you can wave bu-bye to ever having access to those boobies again!

Aches and pains

They come in all shapes and sizes. And whilst this is one thing I would gladly take over myself so she wouldn’t have to go through it, there is nothing a partner can do but sit and try to be as supportive as they can.

It is incredibly frustrating to not be able to do anything to make it better in most cases, but we can be supportive in any was we can. I try my best with massages and rubs as well as carrying the heavy stuff – that is when she is not in  strong independent stubborn young lady mode – but there are times where simply being there and holding her hand  can go a long way.

I’m the kinda guy that worries – sometimes too much – about her well-being, but I found out recently that, sometimes, giving her space to look after her pains and own frustrations can go an ever longer way.

I honestly can’t begin to imagine what it is to have a little human growing inside you and kicking the crap out of you on the process, but if it is at least as freak as it feels from the outside, then WOW!

Just… WOW…

“I GOTTA WEE”

Long car journeys and sitting down for a whole day without hearing those 3 words WILL become the most rare things in your life.

We went to see some of Brook’s friends from Leeds down in Southampton yesterday. I was planning to count how many times she used the sentence but gave up within the first hour.

Bean seems to enjoy very much tap-dancing on her bladder and whilst she only wet herself 2 times throughout the pregnancy there were plenty of close calls to choose from. And it is hilarious, but if you value your life, never, ever laugh at her while she’s doing the toilet dance!

Let’s talk sex

Okay boys and girls… This is a very touch and go subject… In special because is the one topic that defies ALL the logic.

Don’t believe what they told you about the 3rd trimester thing! Sex drive during pregnancy is THE MOST frustrating thing ever… To the point where she might at one moment be the horniest girl alive while you are having dinner and basically tell you to fuck right off by the time you get to bed… All that happening in the space of 5 minutes!

So, in my humble opinion, sex is never the question… is always the answer and the answer is YES (no… literally… never say no…). Remember you have a little cock blocker right in between you that might decide that “sexy time” is THE BEST time to decide to kick as hard as he can.

And I’ve just been told that is all I am allowed to to write because her mum might read it – HI JULIE!!!!

Poop Talk

Get ready for message exchanges like the one above.

And I think a “#nuffsaid” would fit PERFECTLY here!

The Baby Made me Do It

Be it waking you up at ungodly hours to get stuff in the kitchen – or whatever shop is open at 3am  (God bless the Kwickymart) – to the incessant farting, “the baby made me do it” becomes one of her favorite phrases, and one you are not allowed to say not to…

Get ready for having to find passion fruit ice-cream and for the craziest things you can think and imagine, because the baby will make her do it… I think I’ll also include baby brain in this category too… bat that one is actually super cute, so I’ll let it slip.

Vagina Dialogues

This category I’ve decided to add as an aforethought after sitting in the corner listening to a conversation between Brook, her mum and one of her best mates down down south. And holy cow, hormone-fueled talks can get one killed – hence why I just sat as quiet as a mouse in the corner… Yes… I was THAT scared!

“Has that baby popped out yet?!?!”

That has to be the set of words in the English vocabulary that annoys the most out of Brook in this day and time…

And after 2 false alarms, I can see why as I get asked that a lot too… xD

 

All the Waiting in The World

I guess that comes without saying, after all, you ARE expecting the arrival of a new human to the family… But OH MY GOD those last few days DRAG…

We are now Term +1 and have now crossed into the overdue threshold… And having tried to do all the things in the book to encourage Bean to come out, I’ve now come to terms with the fact that she has now been pregnant forever, and will be for the next 84 years…

So, you ask me, what to expect when you are expecting?  Well… That… And all that is to come, I guess!

Have I forgotten anything? Head over to The Bea Side for more expectations! 😉

About The Author

The Head Honcho at UrbanVox and Social Media Mad-Man & Gadget Freak should define him in a nutshell – “I Feel naked without my iPhone” Would be the quote that defines him the most. Super dad to 3 monkeys, photographer, designer, dreamer and Lego Fan all in one big package. Usually the guy you will be talking to on Twitter @urbanvox

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